When I started to clean a house today during listening to Johann Jóhannsson. And when a Desert Music started to play like for the third time, I started to cry. And literally collapsed on the floor. I felt like I failed in everything and dissapointed everyone.
If I should name any happy event in my life it would be the time when I was six and sister was almost four. My family was happy. But that was long before I grew up. I was bullied, commited a suicide, dad moved from us, lost a love of my life, lost a job, was raped, lived on the street... How can I live a happy life after all of this? People say that they can see a huge pain in my eyes even when I smile. I don't want anyone to be sorry about my life.
I'm a survivor but I feel like I can't continue. That's why I feel like I dissapointed everyone - because I'm not as strong as they think. And while I was crying on the floor, I couldn't get up. I felt my body so much heavy and it was just impossible to get on my feet. But then the smiles and faces all of the people that like me appeared in front of my eyes and I stood up.
It took me a lot of my strength. Last night my friend said that I'm too creative and it would be such a shame if the world lost me. In the moment I didn't believe her. I know why she acted the way she was acting, I would do the same. But I didn't believe anything the last night. I was just so fucked up.
I know that losing a job isn't any huge tragedy but how can I believe in anything good after my life experiences? You know, there is a person that told me that he truly cares about me, he apologized for everything and gave me so much light. It's unfair that I can't give him what he deserves. That part left me. We know each other for almost twelve years and yes, he is a part of my life but he's just good for me. I lost my faith and hope and I don't believe in love. I just don't believe it.
Altough there are days when I wanted to be hugged. Just hugged.
Don't get me wrong - I've tried to date - but it never ended up good.
"You life to far." or "Oh, you're not into a sex." - "You're broken, I can't stay with you when you're not mentally alright."
But ... maybe I'm just meant to be life alone in the middle of nothing because that's where I life. Actually a freedom is one of the gifts of a life that was give to us. Nobody should life in a cage.
And so while I'm looking through the balcony door while I'm writing this article, the weather is gloomy but a sun is trying to rip appart the grey clouds. Just like I'm surviving every day. Ripping appart the tight embrace of the depressions that are trying to take control over my mind.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's still a hope inside me. Life is worth to fight it for. I fight with a tears and screams and kicks and it feels like I'm going to explode because of the hurricane inside of me that is created to defeat the dark days.
Being born is painful, that's why babies are screaming. And now I'm screaming because maybe another chapter of my life is being born.
No comments:
Post a Comment